I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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