So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
