today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
