My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize