Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
