I just pynch a tree in the face
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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