Just mADE A PArabola og urine
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize