The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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