my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
