ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
