I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
