My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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