you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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