the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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