I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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