I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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