good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
We are all done wearing pants today
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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