Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
