can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
