they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
