why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
i believe in u and ur pee
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
