at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
