So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
