just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
dude. I can hear the air.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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