So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
