I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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