Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
