Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
