I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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