why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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