You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Is it because I queefed?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
you inspire me to be a worse person
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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