Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
