Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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