if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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