I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
