well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Randomize
