Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
