I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
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