she told me i tasted like america
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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