matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
All the doctor said was why
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
