after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
