my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
