There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
