If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
