she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
