I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
