he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
