I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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