Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize