Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
that may or may not have been my penis.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
