She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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