I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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