when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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