I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
