I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
