I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
