He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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